


Fear and Loathing

by realityisoverrated



Series: Infinite Love [42]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Anal Sex, F/M, M/M, Oral Sex, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, Smoaking billionaires, Threesome - F/M/M, Toliver, flommy, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 16:25:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7470819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realityisoverrated/pseuds/realityisoverrated
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a run in with a villain using a fear toxin, Oliver is struggling. His thoughts take a dark and obsessive turn. Felicity and Tommy don't know how to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear and Loathing

**Author's Note:**

> This story depicts a polyamorous relationship between one woman and two men. If this is not something you are interested in, please stop and go no further.
> 
> This installment is one I've been writing and rewriting for months. In earlier installments it has been stated that Oliver leaves Tommy and Felicity. This installment is the start of Oliver unraveling. This is the darkest I've taken their relationship and it was very hard to write. The scene between Oliver and Tommy is pretty raw and may not be the easiest to read. This story is rightfully rated E, but there isn't any smut going on. 
> 
> I want to give a big thank you to imusuallyobsessed who read multiple versions of this fic and who gave me some valuable feedback when I could no longer tell up from down. If this installment is any good it is because she kept poking at me and challenging me to do better. All faults are my own.
> 
> I'm not telling this series in chronological order. Some readers have requested that I provide a chronological order for the fics in the series. There is no need to read them in chronological order, but in case you'd like to, the list is below.  
> 1\. Beautiful Stranger (Part 28)  
> 2\. The Hack of the Golden Dragon (Part 36)  
> 3\. Girl Wednesday (Part 41)  
> 4\. The First Time (Part 1)  
> 5\. Aloe and Chamomile (Part 40)  
> 6\. The Italian Restaurant (Part 3)  
> 7\. Do The Hustle (Part 21)  
> 8\. Wherever You Are, There I Am (Part 8)  
> 9\. Perfect (Part 16)  
> 10\. Practical Jokes and Other Misunderstandings (Part 14)  
> 11\. Cobble Hill (Part 4)  
> 12\. House Warming (Part 15)  
> 13\. 30 (Part 30)  
> 14\. Hong Kong (Part 35)  
> 15\. Twenty Questions Over Brunch (Part 11)  
> 16\. Hildy (Part 5)  
> 17\. Burgers & Lies (Part 9)  
> 18\. You Say You Want A Revolution (Part 22)  
> 19\. Look Me In The Eye And Make Me Feel The Truth (Part 12)  
> 20\. Fight Night (Part 20)  
> 21\. Fear and Loathing (Part 42)  
> 22\. Into Thin Air (Part 17)  
> 23\. It’s Just Like Falling (Part 27)  
> 24\. Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow? (Part 7)  
> 25\. Life With The Arrow (Part 23)  
> 26\. Up All Night (Part 6)  
> 27\. Welcome Home (Part 10)  
> 28\. Better Than Chocolate Chip Banana Pancakes (Part 24)  
> 29\. Home Is Where You Are (Part 2)  
> 30\. Somebody Get A Hammer (Part 26)  
> 31\. Three (Part 13)  
> 32\. Life Lived In The Tabloids (Part 18)  
> 33\. Tokyo Calling (Part 25)  
> 34\. Something Blue (Part 39)  
> 35\. Prudence Chastity (Part 19)  
> 36\. Love Is Worth It In The End (Part 33)  
> 37\. The Mini (Part 38)  
> 38\. The Drop Out (Part 32)  
> 39\. William (Part 29)  
> 40\. Hold On For One More Day (Part 31)  
> 41\. Yours, Mine, Ours (Part 37)  
> 42\. Saturdays With The Green Arrow (Part 34)
> 
> Welcome to any new readers who have stumbled into this universe. The more the merrier.
> 
> Arrow and its characters do not belong to me.

Artwork by Lademonessa

 

Oliver’s index finger trailed along Felicity’s bare back as he kissed her shoulder. It had been three weeks since the three of them had made love together and they’d spent the evening making up for lost time. They’d started their weekend early by leaving work at three and falling into bed instead of eating the dinner that remained untouched on the stove.

The past month had been as close to a living hell as Oliver had experienced since Slade had waged war against him. A well-known criminal of Gotham had escaped his confinement at Arkham Asylum and had been reigning terror upon Starling and Team Arrow. It had taken awhile for Oliver and the team to realize that the respectable psychiatrist who’d taken over the Glades Memorial psychiatry department and was offering the SCPD his consultation services for the past six months was actually the serial killer they were hunting.  Dr. James Herron turned out to be Dr. Jonathan Crane, or as the people of Gotham referred to him, the Scarecrow. A month after Crane’s murder spree began, Oliver had been dosed with Crane’s fear toxin as he pursued him through Promenade Park. It had taken his body thirty-six terrifying hours to rid itself of the toxin, but, two months later, he was still experiencing residual effects. Two nights ago, Oliver had cornered Crane on a rooftop and had wounded him with two arrows to the leg. When Oliver went to jump from the rooftop he was standing on to the one that Crane laid writhing on he was overcome with a case of vertigo. Unable to pursue, Crane had managed to escape as Oliver waited for Dig’s help. Tommy had insisted on Oliver taking the weekend off so Oliver and Felicity could recharge before they resumed their pursuit of Crane. Oliver had argued against taking time off when he was so close to catching his prey, but Tommy reasoned that Crane would be licking his own wounds and, for the time being, posed no threat. Oliver was reluctant to admit it, but he needed the time off. Crane’s toxin had really messed with him and he needed a break.

Oliver could sense his lovers drifting off, but his mind wouldn’t rest. An obsessive thought had taken hold of him as he made love with Tommy, but he felt like he needed to speak with Felicity first, “Are you awake?”

Felicity hummed and turned her head to face him. Her blue eyes were heavy with the pull of sleep but she was focused on him.

His hand stilled on her back and he looked over her shoulder at Tommy who was sound asleep. Oliver’s finger returned to tracing Felicity’s spine and said quietly, “I think I’m ready.”

Felicity smiled sleepily at him, “Ready for what?”

Oliver looked back over at his boyfriend before returning his gaze to hers, “For Tommy to,” he widened his eyes, “you know...” He felt slightly ridiculous for being unable to articulate what he meant. Luckily for him, Felicity never needed his words to understand what he was thinking.

Felicity rolled onto her back, “Anal sex?” she asked in a whisper.

He swallowed heavily and nodded, “Yeah. Are you okay with that?”

She sat up and reached for her robe at the foot of the bed. She pulled her robe on with her back turned to him, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Oliver lifted one shoulder, “I don’t know.” He did know. He was just too afraid to say it.

Felicity tied her sash, “If this is something that you want to do, you don’t need to ask me for permission.”

He ran his hands over his head. He was certain that she knew what he wasn’t saying, but she was going to make him spell it out. He placed a hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him, “It would be a change from what we’ve been doing and I want to know that you’re okay with it.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, “Do you want me to tell you that I’m not okay with it?”

_Yes. No. I’m not sure_. He was afraid that if he took the next step in his relationship with Tommy that everything would change between the three of them. It had only been six months since Felicity had told them that she’d seen them alone together and had planned an exit strategy because she was uncertain of her place in their relationship. It had only been three months since she’d sold her townhouse and he felt like things were still fragile between them. He was afraid that if he took this step with Tommy, Felicity might decide to leave. The last thing he wanted was to lose Felicity, “Are you not okay with it?”

Felicity sighed, “Oliver. Do you want to have anal sex?”

“I want to make Tommy happy,” he said truthfully. He wanted to make Felicity and Tommy happy and he didn’t know if he was capable of it. For so many years the only thing he brought to the people he cared about was misery and death. He wasn’t sure if he was lying to himself by thinking that what he was trying to build with Felicity and Tommy was even possible and he feared that this relationship would end like so much else did for him, in tragedy.

Felicity tilted her head and Oliver could feel Felicity studying him, as if she were trying to read his mind. She reached out and placed her hand over his heart, “He is happy.”

Oliver hoped that was true, but lately he thought he’d seen sadness lurking behind Tommy’s smiles. He glanced over to where Tommy was sleeping soundly, oblivious to the conversation going on about him, “It’s important to him. He said that he wants me to try it.”

Felicity looked to Tommy and rested her hand on his chest, “Yes, but it’s not as important as you are. He doesn’t want you to do anything that you’re not comfortable with or ready for.”

Oliver looked down and tugged on the edge of her robe, “Will you – ?” The words died on his tongue. So much of what he feared was tied to this question.

She turned back towards him and waited a few seconds for him to finish his question. When he continued to look away from her, she asked, “Will I, what?”

“Will you think less of me?” he asked so softly she had to strain to hear him over the hum of their air conditioner.

“Less of you?” she asked with complete surprise. “Oliver,” she placed a finger under his chin and raised his eyes to meet hers, “I could never think less of you for wanting to be loved by Tommy.”

His eyes became moist, “You say that now, but when you see us you might think differently.” Her shoulders stiffened infinitesimally and someone less observant than himself wouldn’t have noticed. Her reaction led him to the believe that he was right - Felicity’s opinion of him would be forever altered if she saw Tommy inside of him – if she saw Oliver enjoy having Tommy inside of him.

She looked at him with confusion, “I saw you with Tommy tonight. I saw his lips wrapped around you. Last week, I watched you give each other hand jobs before breakfast. I don’t know what you think would make me think of you differently if I see Tommy make love to you.”

He couldn’t understand how she didn’t understand what his concern was. Oliver turned crimson, “You might not think that I’m man enough.”

“Man enough?” she asked. “For me?”

“Yes,” he said looking away.

Felicity took his chin between her fingers and gently turned his face towards hers, “I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.”

He sighed, “Will you still want to have sex with me?”

Felicity’s nose wrinkled and her eyes narrowed in confusion, “I haven’t stopped having sex with Tommy.”

Oliver shook his head in frustration. He wasn’t making her understand, “That’s different.”

“How is that different?” She grabbed his chin when he went to look a way, “No, tell me how it’s different.”

“It just is,” Oliver stood up. He needed to get some space so he could think. He quickly got dressed in his running clothes and left their room. If Felicity couldn’t see what his fears were, there was nothing he could say to make her understand.

She stood up and followed him downstairs, “Tell me how it’s different.” Her voice was soft and kind. He could see that she was trying to understand what he was struggling to explain to her.

“Your relationship with him is different,” Oliver waved his hands in front of him. “You sing, you dance, you watch old movies.”

She reared away from him in anger, “If you’re about to make some stereotypical comment about gay men and musical theater, I swear to God, I’ll …”

“What?” Oliver’s brow furrowed in confusion and a little bit of hurt that she would think he would ever think less of Tommy for his interests. Tommy was Tommy. His boyfriend had been singing, dancing and quoting movies his whole life and Oliver had never thought twice about it. It was all part of the Tommy Merlyn charm that usually made girls swoon - which was the point he was ineffectually trying to make. “Of course not. I just mean that your relationship with him is more - normal. You started out as friends who fell in love.”

“What are you talking about? Our relationship is normal and we started out as friends,” Felicity said like he was slow.

He rubbed his hand over his mouth as he tried to find the right words, “We met because I brought you a laptop full of bullet holes. The fifth time we met, I was bleeding from a bullet wound I got from my mom,” Oliver said like his explanation made sense, because it did in his head. Not for the first time he wished he found words as easy to use as Felicity and Tommy. They always seemed to know exactly what to say while he always felt like he was stumbling in the dark.

“The sixth time,” her eyes blinked slowly as she stared at him.

“What?” he asked with surprise.

She smiled softly, “The fifth time we met I gave you Walter’s notebook. The sixth time we met was when you were shot.”

He couldn’t help but smile that she’d been keeping count in their early days too, “My point is that our relationship started out all adrenalin and danger. Swinging from trees and out of windows. Earthquake machines and super soldiers. Be honest, you always thought Tommy was sexy, but your initial attraction to him was his personality. Your initial attraction to me was purely physical. You fell in love with me despite your better judgment.” Oliver couldn’t explain her attraction to him otherwise. When she first met him he was humorless and homicidal. He’d be concerned if she’d been initially attracted to his personality. From almost the moment she met Tommy, Felicity had been falling in love with him. When Felicity met Oliver, she might’ve fantasized about having sex with him, but she hadn’t been falling in love with him as he lied about bullet holes and coffee shops and threatened the lives of widowered fathers.

Felicity stepped closer and rested her hands on his waist, “Even if you are right, which I’m totally not saying that you are, if our relationship was completely built on the physical then it stands to reason I’ll continue to want to have sex with you.”

Oliver sighed. He risked his life every night because he was confident in his ability to project a threatening image to the criminals of Starling. She was either unwilling or unable to see that her attraction to him might diminish if she saw him as physically vulnerable. He knew it wasn’t logical or even fair, but the idea of being penetrated by another man made him feel uneasy – not because he didn’t love Tommy, or a fear of pain, but because there was a part of him that still thought of it as wrong. He was ashamed that he wanted to have anal sex and he was ashamed that he didn’t want to.

“Is this about Crane? About what you saw?” she asked with concern.

“I need to go for a run,” he said as panic clawed at his chest. His head felt like it would explode from the dissonance of his thoughts.

Felicity wrapped her fingers around his arm in a vice like grip, “Oliver, we’re not done talking about this.”

He placed a quick kiss to the top of her head as he extracted himself from her grip, “Yeah, I know. We’ll talk more later.”

Felicity called after him, “I love you. You loving Tommy won’t ever change that.”

 

Felicity wasn’t paying attention to the movie, at all. She was curled up on the sofa with her head resting on Tommy’s lap but she only had eyes for Oliver. He was sitting on the far end of the sectional with his legs stretched out in front of him and Hildy on his lap. Normally, when they watched a movie all three of them would be curled up together. For one of them to be sitting more than an arm’s length away was unheard of. Oliver was using Hildy as an excuse to sit apart from them and his behavior was making Felicity nervous.

She’d waited for Oliver to return from his run the evening before so they could continue their conversation. She’d tried to keep herself busy, first by eating some of what the guys had cooked for their dinner and checking on her searches for the Scarecrow. She’d put away the leftovers, cleaned all of the pots and pans and Oliver still wasn’t home. She rarely checked trackers unless it was a mission, but Oliver had been gone for more than two hours and she was unable to resist. According to the app on her tablet, Oliver had run from their home to the foundry. She’d imagined that he was putting himself through a punishing workout before he’d run back home. Waiting up for him would’ve been pointless – Oliver clearly didn’t want to talk.

When she’d returned to their bed Tommy was still sound asleep. He was on his back with his hands resting on his pillow just over his head and the sheet resting low along his waist. He looked sexy as hell and it was all she could do to not wake him with her lips. Only Oliver’s absence stopped her. She hadn’t wanted to answer questions about why he wasn’t home. She’d returned to their bed, careful to not wake Tommy and then had stared at the ceiling. Unable to sleep, but not wanting to wake Tommy, she lay awake, waiting. Two more hours passed before she was unable to resist checking Oliver’s tracker again. When it revealed he was still at the foundry she opened the live feed to the basement’s cameras. She’d been expecting to see him beating the Wing Chun or shooting tennis balls into the wall. She wasn’t expecting him to be in the dark, sitting motionless on a stool by his worktable staring at his hands. The vision of him sitting alone in the dark made her chest clench painfully and pushed her into action. She slid silently from their bed, pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt and slipped from their room.

He didn’t so much flinch as she entered the lair. It wasn’t until she stood directly in front of him that he lifted his head. She’d held out her hand and he took it after a moment’s hesitation. He followed her out to her car in silence. The fact that he squeezed himself into her Mini without a sarcastic comment increased her anxiety – he never failed to have a quip about her car on his lips. They’d driven home in complete silence with Felicity hoping that Oliver would share whatever he was thinking – whatever was eating him up inside. Instead, Oliver sat the entire ride with his forehead pressed to the passenger side window.

When they’d returned home, Oliver remained passive as she led him into their bathroom, stripped them and moved them into the shower. He’d stood under the jets of water unmoving as she lathered his body and shampooed his hair. It was only as they stood on the bath mats toweling dry did his eyes begin to track her movements. She caught his eye in the mirror and tried to give him a reassuring smile, but he lowered his gaze to the floor. He followed her into their bedroom and slid into bed behind her. When he didn’t mold himself to her back, she rolled over to find him facing away from her. Unwilling to allow him another moment of closing himself off, she slid behind him and wrapped an arm around him. He was rigid in her arms and she had to blink back tears. She kissed him between his shoulder blades and whispered, “I love you.” His hand sought hers and he laced their fingers together. Her forehead dropped to rest on his spine and slowly he began to relax into her embrace. Felicity fell into a restless sleep and dreamed of the night Oliver had left her in the empty Queen mansion to wait for Slade.

An explosion on the television made her jump. Tommy squeezed her hip and took her hand. She squeezed his hand in thanks but was distracted by the fact that Oliver hadn’t reacted at all. A silent and still Oliver was never a good thing. It meant that he was disappearing into his own head and that he’d resist their efforts to pull him back from whatever dark place he’d retreated to. Whenever they caught Crane, she’d like to be the one to drive an arrow through him for what he’d put Oliver through. They’d been together for two and a half years and things were going well until Crane came along and his toxin released the demons still lurking in Oliver’s head. Whatever the fallout was going to be from their encounter with Crane, it had yet to happen. She felt as if she were holding her breath waiting for an explosion from a bomb without a timer. Felicity snuggled closer to Tommy, but her eyes never left Oliver sitting alone, just beyond arm’s reach.

 

Tommy watched his two lovers over the top of his wine glass. Oliver and Felicity had been acting strange all day and he’d let it go. They’d barely spoken to one another during dinner and Tommy hadn’t worked hard to convince them both to take a weekend off just so they could fight the whole time. This was not how he planned on spending his Saturday night. He placed his glass down with a sigh, “Would one of you like to tell me what you’re fighting about?”

“We’re not fighting,” Felicity said quickly with a forced smile.

Oliver drained his wine glass. When Tommy gave him a pointed look he responded, “What? We’re not.”

“You’re doing a pretty good impression of two people who are fighting. So, what aren’t you fighting about?” Tommy asked trying to keep it light even as he felt a pit of fear form in his stomach. Something hadn’t been right with Oliver for weeks and it felt as if the bottom of his world was about to drop out from beneath him.

“Really, everything is fine,” Felicity smiled as she poured them all more wine.

“Is it about work? Crane?” Tommy asked. “Because you promised not to talk about work.”

Oliver rose from the table and dropped his napkin onto the table, “I’m going to bed.”

“Fine,” Felicity said sharply as she rose from the table and began gathering dishes.

“Ollie,” Tommy called after his boyfriend’s retreating back. There was definitely something wrong that was bigger than a normal fight about Arrow strategy.

When Oliver ignored him, Tommy followed Felicity into the kitchen and began to help her with the dishes. She studiously avoided eye contact as she washed the dishes and provided a continuous monologue about wanting to take her mom to Hawaii for her birthday. He silently dried the dishes as she handed them to him. When the last dish had been washed and put away, Tommy wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He rubbed his nose against hers, “What are you two fighting about?”

“Honestly, we aren’t fighting. Oliver is just trying to work through some things and I’m frustrated with how he’s choosing to handle it,” Felicity said as she nuzzled his neck. “You should go talk to him. You might have better luck.” Felicity pulled out of his arms, “I’m going to go watch a movie and give you guys some privacy.”

Even though Felicity’s words did nothing to allay his nerves, Tommy took her advice and sought Oliver out in their bedroom. Oliver was laying on top of the covers in a pair of sleep pants. He was holding himself completely still with his arms fisted at his sides as he stared at the ceiling. Oliver was clearly struggling and it appeared to be tearing him up inside. Tommy sat down next to Oliver and placed his hand on his stomach, “Are you all right?”

Oliver closed his eyes and shook his head, “I don’t know.”

The look of hopelessness on Oliver’s face nearly took his breath away. The pit in his stomach deepened. “Please, tell me what’s wrong so I can help. Is it what happened with Crane?” Tommy laced his fingers through Oliver’s.

Oliver opened his eyes and sought Tommy’s, “Do you think that there’s something wrong with me?”

The question worried Tommy. He didn’t know if what was going on with Oliver was a delayed reaction to what happened with Crane of if there was something else going on. Any time Oliver started to question his self-worth it meant that a storm was brewing that could sweep them all out to sea, “That’s an awfully loaded question. I think you need to be more specific.”

Oliver pulled his hand from Tommy’s, “Laurel once told me that I’m incapable of happiness. Do you think that’s true?”

He’d heard Laurel say that about Oliver on numerous occasions. She’d always blamed Oliver’s infidelities on his need to sabotage his own happiness. Tommy could never tell her that Oliver’s infidelities rarely had anything to do with her. “No,” Tommy said without hesitation. Oliver was capable of great happiness, when he allowed himself to be.

Oliver opened his eyes, “Are you sure you don’t want to take a second?”

“I don’t need to,” Tommy said taking Oliver’s hand back. “I know that you’re capable of it because I’ve seen you happy.”

“Before the Gambit,” Oliver sighed with disappointment.

“Yes, Ollie, before the Gambit and after the Gambit,” he kissed the back of Oliver’s hand. “We have so much in our lives for you to be happy about. Felicity makes you happy and I like to believe that I make you happy. I also think that you’ve been doing a good job making yourself happy. You’ve come so far since you came home.”

Oliver turned his head away and Tommy’s heart clenched painfully. He felt the room spin as he flashed back to their youths and any number of fights they’d had after they shared an alcohol fueled indiscretion. The look on Oliver’s face was one he knew too well. Oliver was withdrawing from him, “Ollie, are you not happy with me?”

“Do I make you happy?” Oliver asked earnestly, as he continued to stare at the far wall.

Tommy chose to ignore that Oliver had evaded his question. He ran his index finger down the side of Oliver’s face, “Look at me – please.” Tommy waited for Oliver’s blue eyes to meet his own and then he smiled, “You make me very happy.” He was being truthful if not entirely honest. He was happy. Happier than at any time in his life, but Tommy had spent much of his life on and off anti-depressants and had come to learn that his brain didn’t always cooperate. He’d been off anti-depressants for almost two years, but he’d recently noticed the signs that it might be time to go back on them. He was monitoring himself to see if it was experiencing a momentary dip or if he was sliding into a deeper hole. He hadn’t shared any of this with Oliver or Felicity because they’d had enough on their plates running QC and hunting for a deranged serial killer without having to worry about his depression returning. When they caught Crane, he’d tell them – probably. If he decided to go back on anti-depressants, he’d tell them - definitely - maybe.

Oliver covered Tommy’s hand with his own, “Even though I haven’t been able to,” his voice broke, “let you?”

It took a moment for Tommy to realize what Oliver was failing to say out loud and when he did, it was like a kick to the gut, “Be a top?” Tommy sighed when Oliver nodded and looked away. He wondered if there would ever be a time when Oliver would be able to love him without also feel like he was failing him. “If we only ever have sex where I’m the bottom, I will be okay with that. I don’t need to be a top if it is something that you don’t want to do.”

“I want you to,” Oliver said barely above a whisper.

“Ollie,” Tommy said firmly, “I need you to look at me if we’re going to have this conversation.” The last time they’d discussed anal sex it had devolved into an argument where they both said things they regretted. The last thing Tommy wanted was a repeat of that fight. He needed to stay calm. He needed Oliver to stay calm.

Oliver sat up against the headboard and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand. He looked at Tommy with red rimmed eyes, “I want to feel you inside of me. I want that.”

Tommy rested his hand on Oliver’s thigh as understanding dawned on him, “And you don’t want to want that.” Shame had always played a part in their relationship from the moment of their first kiss. Tommy had found a way to move past it and embrace who he was. He no longer felt self-loathing when his body responded to Oliver’s. He knew that Oliver continued to struggle with his bisexuality and whether or not desiring a man would alter the identity he’d created for himself. Oliver wore masks in so many parts of his life in order to protect himself and the people he loved. Tommy had always wanted their relationship and their bed to be a place where a mask wasn’t necessary and Oliver could just be.

Tears began to fall from Oliver’s eyes. He shook his head, “No, I don’t.”

“Oh, Ollie,” Tommy said as he ran his hands through his hair. “The first time we kissed – well, the second time we kissed and the first time you slid your tongue into my mouth, I got an erection. You made me feel so good. When the kiss ended, I wanted to kiss you again so I could feel that good again. I didn’t let myself, even though I really wanted to because I was ashamed. I was confused and didn’t understand why I was responding to you that way. That kiss wasn’t supposed to mean anything. I thought it was wrong to want you to kiss me – to touch me.”

“I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish that horrible voice in my head would shut up.” Oliver grabbed Tommy’s hand and pressed it to his chest, “I want you to love me.”

He wanted to laugh at the absurdity of Oliver’s words. He’d loved Oliver his whole life and had been in love with him for more than half of it. “I do love you,” Tommy leaned in and kissed Oliver.

Oliver opened his mouth and sucked on Tommy’s tongue. He ran the fingers of both hands through Tommy’s hair and deepened the kiss. He lowered himself onto the mattress and pulled Tommy on top of him. His hands slid beneath Tommy’s shirt and he broke their kiss to pull it over Tommy’s head, “I want you to do what you asked me about yesterday morning. I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“What did I ask?” Tommy tried to remember what he’d asked him and honestly couldn’t remember anything other than asking him what he wanted for breakfast.

“In the shower, you asked me if I wanted you to fuck me,” Oliver said huskily. “You asked if I wanted you to bury yourself deep inside of me.” He unbuttoned Tommy’s pants, “I do. I want you to fuck me.”

Tommy sat back on his heels and took a deep breath. He needed to be able to focus and Oliver was making it difficult. He hadn’t meant it when he asked Oliver those things. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to do those things, he just knew that Oliver wasn’t ready and might never be ready. He’d only said it because Oliver responded to dirty talk and he was hungry and really wanted Oliver to cum so they could eat breakfast and be on time for work. He wished that Oliver wanted to take this step with him, but he also knew that if Oliver wasn’t ready, it would end badly. Once Tommy had regained some control he said, “You just told me that you don’t want to want me to fuck you. How can you ask me to when I know that you don’t really want me to? You don’t have to do this because you think you owe me or you have to do it to make me happy. We won’t survive this if you’re conflicted. You’ll shut down on me – you know it and I know it.”

Oliver directed Tommy’s hand to his rock hard erection, “I want you.”

Tommy lightly rubbed his hand back and forth over Oliver’s erection. Forget about Oliver being conflicted, he was conflicted. There was a part of him that hoped that if Oliver took the chance to experience sex with him that he’d enjoy it and the pleasure would wipe away any doubt or anxiety. There was also the part of him that knew Oliver to his soul and knew that if they did have sex before he was ready, he would lose Oliver forever. Oliver moaned and lifted his hips to slide his pants down. Tommy lifted his hand and pulled Oliver’s pants the rest of the way off. “You’re so beautiful and I do want to make love to you, but I can’t.” Oliver’s eyes welled with tears. Tommy stood up and stripped out of his clothes. Tommy laid down naked next to Oliver and ran the back of his hand against his scruff and wiped the tears from his eyes, “Sshh, it’s all right. You can do whatever you’d like to do to me.” It was enough that he shared a life and a bed with Oliver, he didn’t need more than what Oliver was already giving him.

“I don’t want to fuck you,” Oliver angrily said to the ceiling.

Tommy remembered the first time Oliver and he had oral sex and was struck with an idea. Oliver loved to have control and Tommy wondered if Oliver would take control of his own pleasure and desires if it was offered to him, “Okay, if you don’t want to touch me, tell me how you want me to touch you. You’re in the driver’s seat.”

Oliver rolled over and buried his face against Tommy’s neck, “Please, Tommy.” Oliver’s hand wrapped around Tommy’s cock and began to pump him slowly, “I want to feel you inside of me.”

Tommy gently removed Oliver’s hand from his cock and rolled them over so that he was on top. If Oliver could articulate what he wanted and told Tommy what to do they might be able to overcome Oliver’s mental barrier. “No, not yet,” Tommy said gently. He stroked Oliver’s face and smiled, “Start slower. Tell me how you want me to touch you. Don’t worry about me – this is all about you.” He kissed Oliver deeply and he could feel Oliver harden beneath him. He rested his forehead against Oliver’s. “If and when we do this, I want you to be in the moment with me and not hating yourself or me for doing something you’re uncomfortable with. Tell me what to do next. How do you want me to touch you?”

“I don’t understand why you’d tell me that you want to fuck me and then not be willing to fuck me when I tell you that I want you to,” Oliver said angrily through his tears as he pushed against Tommy’s chest.

Tommy rolled onto his back, “Show me what you want.”  Oliver stared at him for a minute before rising to his knees and positioning himself over Tommy. He reached for Tommy’s hands and placed them on his hips. Tommy’s fingers flexed against Oliver’s flesh and he looked Oliver in the eyes, “What do you want?”  

Oliver directed his cock into Tommy’s mouth and groaned as his lover welcomed him. Oliver braced his arms against their headboard and began to thrust into Tommy’s mouth. Tommy used one hand on Oliver’s hip to guide his movement and lowered his other to massage Oliver’s balls. When Oliver’s breathing became heavy, Tommy slipped his hand from underneath Oliver’s balls and moved it between his cheeks. He pressed the pad of his middle finger firmly against Oliver’s puckered hole and the tip of his finger slipped just inside. Oliver flinched and immediately stopped thrusting. The look of panic on Oliver’s face made Tommy inexplicably angry. He released Oliver’s cock from his mouth and pushed on his hip until he was no longer sitting across his chest. Tommy got off the bed, “That’s why.”

Oliver looked wounded, “That’s not fair, you surprised me.”

“What’s not fair is that after all of these years the man I love still hates himself for loving me,” Tommy snapped as he disappeared into their closet. What Oliver was giving him physically was enough, but he didn’t know if he could live the rest of his life being the very representation of what Oliver hated in himself. Tommy loved Oliver and Oliver loved him but for the first time since they’d gotten together he feared that it might not be enough. He returned to their bedroom with a suit, shirt and two ties and began getting dressed.

“Wait. Where are you going?” Oliver asked with alarm as he scrambled from their bed.

Tommy held the two ties up in front of the mirror as he tried to regain control of his emotions. He needed to put distance between Oliver and everything he was feeling or he could end up saying something that they might never recover from. One of the best things about running a nightclub was that it gave him a place to legitimately disappear to at night. He met Oliver’s eyes in the mirror, “To work.”

“You’re leaving?” Oliver pulled his pants back on.

Tommy tossed one of the ties onto the bed and then began to put the one he selected on with shaking hands, “No, Ollie, I’m not leaving. I’m going to go to work so I can stop feeling guilty for a few hours because I shouldn’t feel guilty.”

“Guilty for what?” Oliver asked cautiously.

“For being the reason you’re so unhappy,” Tommy grabbed his wallet from their dresser and left the room. As the words left his mouth he knew them to be the truth - Oliver wasn’t happy. He didn’t know exactly what was going on inside of Oliver’s head but it was more than just sex. Oliver was looking for an excuse to leave him. Tommy was on the verge of bursting into tears and he needed to get out of there so that he could think some place where Oliver wasn’t looking at him with such reproachful eyes.

“I’m not unhappy.” Oliver padded behind him as he pulled his t-shirt on, “Don’t go. Talk to me.”

“If I talk now, I’ll say something I’ll regret.” Tommy walked into the living room and kissed the top of Felicity’s head and stroked the top of Hildy’s head, “Don’t wait up.”

Felicity turned around and looked between her boyfriends, “Wait. Where are you going?”

“Work,” he said with a smile as brave as he could muster.

“Work?” Felicity lifted the sleeping puppy from her lap and clutched Hildy to her chest. She followed Tommy out of the living room, “It’s our weekend off. What happened?” She looked between them with concern and Tommy couldn’t help but feel sorry for dragging her into this relationship. He’d believed that they could do it. He’d thought that Oliver was ready. If Oliver left, Tommy would be responsible for her broken heart. He could add failing Felicity to the list of things he felt guilty about. Tommy kissed her gently and rested his forehead against hers, “I’m sorry. I’ll be home late. We’ll talk in the morning.”

“He’s mad at me,” Oliver said sullenly.

“Damn it, Ollie,” Tommy shouted. He cursed under his breath and took a deep breath, “I’m not mad at you.”

“Please,” Oliver wrapped Tommy’s tie around his hand, “don’t leave. I’m sorry that I made you feel guilty. I’m sorry that I screwed up. I love you.”

Tommy covered Oliver’s hand, “I know you love me. I just wish you loved yourself.”

Oliver let go of Tommy’s tie.  

Tommy turned to open the door and Oliver’s opened hand landed forcibly against it. Tommy held his breath and waited.

Oliver’s hand dropped and Tommy opened the door and willed his feet to move. As his feet carried him down their front steps he wondered how long it would be before they were Oliver’s feet leaving him for good.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Kudos and comments are always welcomed and appreciated. Hearing from you is my favorite part of the day.
> 
> Stephen's first set pic was yummy. The good news - he is shirtless. The bad news - the wig is back. I think I can live with that. ;-)
> 
> I promise that the Saturday posting will be a lot lighter. As promised, I worked on Ground Rules over the weekend and I think that will be the next installment posted.
> 
> I'm also thinking of doing another multi-chapter fic that involves Felicity and Deadshot. Any interest in another multi-chapter fic like Into Thin Air?
> 
> Any ideas or prompts for what you'd like to read in this universe are always welcome. You have been sharing some great ideas - please keep them coming.
> 
> You can also come say hi to me on tumblr. http://realityisoverrated-fic.tumblr.com/


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